


We Made These Memories For Ourselves

by SleeplessNightWithPhan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 Phan, Goodbyes, Light Angst, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, missing each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-05-09 11:55:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14715563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SleeplessNightWithPhan/pseuds/SleeplessNightWithPhan
Summary: Phil had only just gotten to meet Dan, had just has the best days of his life with him. Now, he has to watch helplessly as Dan has to get on the train to go back home, go away from Phil once more.





	We Made These Memories For Ourselves

**Author's Note:**

> Last week, I had to watch how some of the best people I have ever met got on a train to go back home, after us having spent an amazing few days in Edinburgh. We were all huge messes and we got a lot of looks for crying in the station (and I got some too later on the plane home when I was crying again), but oh well. 
> 
> Anyway, our being-a-mess inspired us to write a bunch of sad fics about how Dip and Pip had to do the same thing all those years ago in 2009. So in a way, this is a collab (the thing that we collaborated on the most is missing each other and crying but shhhh). I decided to write a fic from Phil’s POV (because I was the one who was left behind in the train station aka I was in a way Phil for a moment).
> 
> You can read the (far better) fics by said amazing people over here:
> 
> Quiffedphil : [X](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14716013)
> 
> Legdabs: [X](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14716217)
> 
> #sadyeee

“Have you got everything? Your bags, your ticket, your phone?”

It was the fourth time Phil had asked Dan that question in the last 5 minutes. He knew that there was nothing left behind, everything had been packed and was ready to go back to the train station.

Well, everything except for Phil.

The last few days where Dan had been at Phil’s house had been the happiest days of Phil’s life so far. After all these months of having known Dan on the internet, the hours and hours of Skype conversations, the thousands of messages send between the two of them, Dan had finally had the opportunity to come up to Manchester to allow for them to meet each other in the flesh.

Phil had actually been able to see Dan, hold Dan close in his arms, do things together while not being seperated by the screens they had been communicating through up until this point. He was able to talk to Dan without the computer microphone distorting his voice, and without the shitty webcam quality trying to reduce Dan’s gorgeous features to big blobs on a screen.

The two boys had spent their time together laughing, playing games, watching movies, filming a video for Phil's channel, cuddling, and just doing whatever they wanted. There had not been a single moment in which there had been any sort of uncomfortableness, any sort of awkward silences or something that would indicate that one of them was feeling not completely at easy with the other person.

They had had a good time.

Another thing these last few days had done for Phil, is made him realise how hard he was falling for the cute southern boy currently with him. It had made him see how much adoration he harboured for Dan and how much he wanted to be with him all the time.

The moment Dan and Phil had seen each other after Dan had gotten off the train in Piccadilly Station two days ago, Phil had felt a sudden surge of tingling go through his body, and it had felt like his heart had started doing somersaults in his chest.

Phil had felt something similar to this only a few times before, but never as intense as it had felt that day. His heart had never felt like it was about to fall out of his chest, the butterflies in his stomach had never been as violent and intense.

And when Dan had confessed that night, while they were sitting on the Manchester Eye, high above the solid ground of Manchester city centre, that Phil hadn’t been the only one to feel these sensations, Phil could have died happily right there and then.

But the problem with meeting people, getting to say hello to them, is that at some point you always have to say goodbye. Whether you want to or not.

So that’s the reason why Phil found himself standing in the hallway of his house, a suitcase standing next to him, and a feeling of dread coursing through his body.

In just a bit, they would have to leave to go back to Piccadilly Station, the place where it all began. But only this time, instead of being able to welcome Dan into his arms, Phil would have to look on helplessly as Dan boarded a train heading down to Reading, taking him away from him once more.

Phil didn’t want that to happen. He would be willing to do anything to be able to keep Dan with him for a day longer, be able to cuddle up on the couch with him some more, have Dan next to him for just a tiny bit longer. He was trying to postpone that inevitable moment where they had to leave by asking Dan questions he already knew the answer to, telling him to double check everything.

And he could see that Dan didn’t want to leave either. He noticed the way Dan had dragged his suitcase down the stairs wit much less eagerness than he had dragged them up two days ago. Had noticed the way Dan’s smile was just a bit too sad compared to his usual smile, even though Dan was apparently trying to mask it.

But even though they both wished they could stay in their perfect world for a bit longer, they knew it was impossible.

“Yes Phil, I have everything, even I can’t lose something within 30 seconds.” Dan joked as an answer to Phil’s question, but even the joking felt forced, concealing the sadness hiding underneath.

“Well, I guess in that case there’s nothing left to do for us but to go down to the bus station. We don’t want you to be late and have to stay here, do we?”

They both knew none of them would mind.

*******

The bus ride to the train station was one filled with opposite feelings.

They had sat down in their seats, and immediately Dan had put his head on Phil’s shoulder and grabbed his hand to intertwine their fingers. It was nice, comforting, it allowed Phil to enjoy Dan’s closeness to the fullest. Their were no words shares between them, but Phil felt like they had had an entire conversation while seated next to  one another, just enjoying each other’s company while they still could

It reminded Phil of the way they had been cuddled up on his couch for most of their time together, how they had been sleeping together in the same bed, pulling each other close just to feel more connected. How Phil had woken up in the morning, just this morning, to see Dan using his chest as a pillow, and how the sight of it had sped up Phil’s heart so much that he was surprised it hadn’t woken Dan up.

That is what Phil wanted to feel forever.

But the closer the bus got to the final stop, the more Phil could start to feel his body getting colder, the pressure behind his eyes beginning to build, the grip on Dan’s hand beginning to tighten just a little bit more. This was all starting to get more real, more imminent.

And he knew that this was only the beginning of it. He still had Dan next to him now, something he wouldn't have anymore in a few hours. Yes, Dan might just be a quick text or Skype call away, but that wasn't the same as the 'real thing'. A photo could never do justice to how pretty Dan was up close, a text message could never sound the same as when that angelic voice spoke the same words.

None of these alternatives were as good as having Dan next to him. But they would have to do for now.

Before they knew it, and much sooner that Phil would have wanted it to, the bus stopped in front of Manchester Piccadilly. Both Dan and Phil got off, Phil helping Dan with his suitcase, but he felt like he was fighting nature itself while doing it. Every fibre of his body was telling him to not leave,, to stay on the bus and go back to Phil’s house, to hold Dan close to him forever. To not allow him to go away from him again, not now that he had only just got him. But sadly, that wasn't possible.

Reluctantly, they walked into the building, the atmosphere a stark contrast to the happiness they had been feeling two days ago.

Was that only two days ago? It couldn't be. It had seemed like an entire lifetime had passed since Dan first arrived, one in which they were both happy and didn't have a care in the world.

*******

"Platform 3." Dan spoke once they were inside, pointing at the big screen that showed which train was going where.  "That's one that has gates. You can't go onto the platform with me."

And that one sentence, how small and casual it might have seemed, was the one sentence that made Phil fall apart. The one that made him unable to repress his emotions anymore, because he was tired of it. He had been trying to stay strong ever since they woke up this morning, ever since they shared their breakfast in silence because they knew what was coming, and since Dan had reluctantly started to gather his stuff. He was tired of pretending to be alright with it all.

Not being able to stop the flow of tears coming from his eyes anymore, he dropped Dan's bag that he was still holding onto the floor and pulled the younger boy into his arms.

Normally, he would have been embarrassed about any PDA, especially in such a crowded place as Manchester Piccadilly. He would be anxious about what people might think of him, would assume that everybody was thinking the worst of him. Or he might even be scared that a viewer might see him.

But right now, he couldn't care any less about what anyone around him would think when they saw two tall lanky emo kids in tears in the middle of the way. The only thing he cared about was that this was it. This was as far as they went. This is where Phil had to let go of Dan, had to watch how the person he had slowly but surely start to think of as the love of his life was ripped away from him again only so short after entering his life.

So he just held Dan close, clung to his shirt, and cried.

Some part of his brain noticed how Dan had also started crying, how there was a hand on his back that was rubbing up and down, but he was too busy crying and hating the universe at the moment to fully process this.

There could have been 2 seconds that had passed, or 5 hours, but Phil lost track of how long he had been holding Dan like that. To be honest, it was too short anyway. But after a while, someone from the train company tapped them on the shoulder.

"Are you lads getting on the train? Because it is about to leave." The man informed them, causing them to pull apart.

Wiping his eyes, Phil turned to face the man and answer him, but keeping his arm around Dan while doing so. "I'm not, but Dan here is. We'll be on in just a quick minute."

The man, looking at them with pity, gave them a sympathetic smile, nodded and walked on, going back to the platform.

It was Dan who spoke up first. "So... I guess I have to get leaving then? Or I'll miss my train, and I don't have the money to get another ticket." he said, trying to lighten the mood, even smiling a little bit, before his face went sad and serious again.

"I'm going to miss you so much. These last days have been the happiest days in my life, and they showed me what it's like to be around someone who I truly lo.... truly care about, with my entire heart." They had both stopped crying for a moment, but Phil could already see the liquid building up in Dan’s eyes again.

He wasn't going to mention the thing Dan had almost let slip from his mouth, even though he desperately wanted to tell the other boy how he felt the exact same. Phil felt like if he were to speak now, if he were to say anything, the tears would just start to fall again and his voice would give out on him. No. He had to be strong; he could do this, even though it felt like he couldn't.

So instead of speaking, Phil pressed a sweet kiss to Dan's lips, trying to put all his feelings in that little touch between them.

Pulling back, he helplessly watched in agony as Dan picked up his bag and made his way over to the train, looking back at Phil one last time before disappearing out of Phil's sight.

The train was long gone when Phil was still standing on the platform, staring at the nothingness Dan had been just before, already wishing he could follow him. Didn’t matter to where.

*******

Somehow, Phil made his way back home without even realising he had left the station. He still felt like he was in a trance, like he was in some kind of dream that he wasn’t able to wake up from.

It wasn't until he walked back into his bedroom and saw everything in the exact same state he and Dan had left it that morning, that he even realised where he was. Completely emotionally drained, he collapsed on the bed.

Phil felt awful. There was so much that he would have still wanted to say to Dan in the station, but he physically wasn't able to say them. Wasn't able to do anything really, besides act like a big mess and try and hold Dan close to him as long as possible, and then do nothing but watch Dan leave.

Damnit, he hadn’t even been able to say “I’ll miss you too” without risking falling apart. How did he grow so fond of Dan so quickly that having to part ways could reduce him to this?

A part of him was glad that Dan had somehow been able to stay composed enough to actually _get on the train._ Phil wasn't sure if he would have been able to get on if he would have been the one who had had to leave first.

But that thought didn't make the pain he was feeling any less intense. Nor was the knowledge that he'd be holding Dan in his arms again later this month, because he actually had to get through the time separating them first. He'd get to get on that train to London first, to go to the Halloween gathering they were both attending.

And after that, _he_ would be the one who would have to leave and walk away from Dan. And then next time, maybe it was Dan’s turn again. But one of them would always be the one who would have to leave, and there would always be a goodbye that followed the hello way too soon. Until hopefully, one day, they wouldn't have to say goodbye anymore.

_One day, they wouldn't have to say goodbye anymore._

The thought hit Phil like a brick wall. He hadn't fully understood up until this point, but here he was, imagining what the future would look like for “Dan and Phil”, whatever their relationship to each other might end up being. And even though a lot of it was a big dark hole filled with question marks, Phil came to a simple realisation that left him breathless.

Whenever he tried to imagine that future, they were always together eventually.

Whether it would be in a month, or in five years, but at some point, if everything went the way Phil would like it to go (and from what he had gathered, Dan did too), there wouldn't be a goodbye that followed. There would come a point where they would run up to one another, embracing each other after not having seen the other person in a while, and there would not be a repetition of today to follow it.

And it was weird, Phil knew it was, but this thought comforted him _so_ much. It made his body feel less empty, less like he was being weighed down by this enormous loss he had had to suffer today, because someday there wouldn't be a loss anymore. There would only be a gain.

Phil was determined that the missing wasn't going to be forever. He knew it wasn't. And that thought put a smile back on his face.

Later that day, when they were Skype calling one another to see how they were holding up, Phil could still see the signs of Dan having bawled his eyes out, and he was sure that his own eyes were still a bit red too, but he knew it for sure then.

The way they both were smiling again by just seeing the other person, even though there was once more a distance far too big between them. The promises being whispered of how they would be able to hold each other close again in two weeks, and how if they could help it, they would visit each other as much as possible.

The unsaid words between them, the way Dan looked at the screen like Phil was lighting up his entire life, the way Dan (and Phil too if he was being honest) had had to hold back from saying those 3 words far too much in the timespan of the hour they were talking to each other.

All these goodbyes that they had shared between them so far, and all the goodbyes they would still have to share; however hard they might be, Phil was convinced.

They were all just temporary.

**Author's Note:**

> Any feedback, kudos or comments are greatly appreciated and basically make me happy all day long.
> 
> I've also got a Tumblr over [here](http://sleeplessnightwithphan.tumblr.com) :)  
> Thank you for stopping by ^^


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